ABC was excited to announce that Season 25 of Dancing with the Stars will feature former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer and football-great-turned-alleged-murderer O.J. Simpson.
The former football legend is expected to be released from prison just in time for the new season to begin shooting in October. Simpson did, however, release a statement from his cell.
“I am so excited to receive another chance to win over the public,” Simpson said. “America is a place for second chances and ironically two is also my lucky number. I played for two teams, was named All-American twice, had two children, and two, well…”
Network executives have already disclosed that Simpson is demanding he be teamed up with a blonde dancing partner.
“As a successful African American man, Simpson insists upon only dancing with a white woman,” said Eliza Goldstein, a executive at ABC.
Spicer was equally excited about the opportunity to showcase himself in a different light than the Trump White House. He said he is thinking of incorporating some of his greatest hits into his dances.
“Maybe a ‘My Little Pony Salsa’ or a tango with an April Ryan lookalike,” Spicer joked with Politico. “The only thing I hope is that if I get voted off, no one says ‘You’re Fired.’”
According to close Spicer confidants, he is hoping that this leads to future reality or game show hosting opportunities.
“Washington is Hollywood for ugly people, and reality TV is where ugly people go when they want to eventually become beautiful, just look at Khloe Kardashian or Mama June,” said a friend of Spicer’s to Politico.
Other networks have been clamoring Spicer to figure out places to book him. One possibility is a new competition gameshow that pegs Spicer against one of his former White House reporters to win a cash prize. Spicer and the journalist would receive a Trump news story and they would be timed on how quickly either Spicer could spin it or the journalist could inject themselves or their opinions in a retelling of the story.
Understandably, there has been some backlash over the casting of Spicer and Simpson, but Goldstein has for the most part shrugged them off.
“Look, can we all stop pretending that we’re offended by infusing politics with sex, murder, and dancing,” Goldstein said. “It’s what we live for, this is ratings gold and really is that all that matters? We can all moan and groan about standards, but, come on, this is a country where half the people either voted for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. Most of your children have an addiction to pot or porn while you watch Real Housewives. You’re all living alone on your mobile device just looking for some entertainment in your hollow existence. So let us entertain you and save your fake outrage for something important, like if Ann Coulter comes to speak at your college campus.”
So far, a few celebrities are planning on protesting the new season of DWTS. Actors like Lena Dunham and Gabrielle Union are outraged that Simpson and Spicer are dancing the “Cha-cha.”
“That’s cultural appropriation,” Dunham insisted in a tweet.
This article is a parody about the news that ABC is really considering Spicer. Simpson is looking to be a webcaster and blogger after he’s released from prison and is being considered for a reality show.