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Priorities: Chuck Schumer calls for FDA crusade against ‘snortable chocolate’

(AP Photo/Beth J. Harpaz)

Never trust a man who wants to take away your right to consume chocolate, any way you want. Also never trust anybody who wants to snort chocolate because they’re most likely crazy.

I’ve never heard of anybody dying or suffering from snorting chocolate, but Senator Chuck Schumer thinks that the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) needs to “investigate the presence of caffeine in ‘inhalable foods’ like Coco Loko, a cocoa-based powder being marketed as a drug-free stimulant for $12.50 a bottle, which is $10 more than a tub of Nestle Toll House Baking Cocoa from Dollar General,” according to Jezebel.

“This suspect product has no clear health value,” Schumer said in a statement. “I can’t think of a single parent who thinks it is a good idea for their children to be snorting over-the-counter stimulants up their noses.”

Thank you for pointing out the obvious, Mr. Schumer. What else are you going to point out? Water is wet? Donald Trump uses Twitter? Libertarians hate roads?

Schumer’s call for a snortable chocolate ban is another classic case of government overreach when it comes to common-sense actions. No, you shouldn’t snort chocolate because you realize that you’re a normal human being. But, Schumer thinks that the government should be involved in this because…the children. The ‘think of the children’ argument has been used as an excuse to ban everything from video games to Family Guy. It’s a rhetorical device that is too often used by authoritarians and Schumer is just one of the latest to do so.

Schumer’s rationale of  ‘no clear health value’ doesn’t really add up either. Is he going to ask the FDA to investigate the suspect product known as ‘Cup of Noodles’ and ‘Ramen,’ food items consumed by poor college students everyday? Or how about Doritos that gamers like me consume in our mother’s basement? My Doritos have a no clear health benefit, yet they’re understandably delicious.

Schumer might have shot himself in the foot once more, however. The FDA says they might not have the authority to regulate snortable chocolate. The creator of Coco Loko is kind of loco himself, stating that he tried eleven times to create a perfect formula for a simulant. He also didn’t consult any medical professionals, but ABC claims that doctors don’t know the effects of inhaling chocolate through the nose. Presumably because they have better things to do, like saving lives or estimating how many lives it would take to survive the movie Die Hard.

I think people can make their own decision to not purchase snortable chocolate for their kids. And if kids purchase it behind their parents’ backs, well, that’s their money they are wasting. I hope, for their safety, sanity, and bottom line, they purchase more popular items… like fidget spinners and rompers.

Still no word on the FDA investigating regular chocolate or children snorting Sharpies.

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