How to lose your girlfriend in 10 Valentine’s Day gifts

If you decided to wait until the last minute to buy your girlfriend’s Valentine’s Day gift, we won’t judge. But if you buy her any of the following gifts, we will judge you… and so will your girlfriend.

1. Heart-shaped pizza

Today Papa John’s is promoting their heart-shaped-pizza. Word to the wise: just because there are hearts on it doesn’t change the fact it’s still a pizza and mediocre pizza at that.

2. A gym membership

If you want your girlfriend to walk out the door in the middle of dinner, please give her a gym membership. It doesn’t matter if she has been complaining about how she can’t afford it or loves to work out or has a hot bod already, do not fall in this trap. It’s not romantic. It’s offensive. And you’ll have to do serious jewelry damage control the next day… if you can even repair the damage.

3. Bath & Body works lotion

This store may draw you in with its magical smells and free samples, but unless you are a middle school girl, you should never be caught in this store, let alone buying your girlfriend a Valentine’s Day gift here.

4. Any hair removal device

Not tweezers. Not razors. And definitely not the weird hair removal devices you see on informericals. How your girlfriend removes her hair is or should remain a mystery.

5. A makeover

Day at the Spa? Great gift. Makeover at the mall? Your girlfriend will slap you in the face… or she’ll end up looking like this.

6. Coffee mugs

It doesn’t matter how inspirational the message or funny the joke. Framing your mug shot would be better than a mug.

7. Lint roller

Even if she has a wardrobe of solely black clothing or is wearing an LBD at dinner that night or owns the fluffiest dog you’ve ever seen, JUST DON’T DO IT!

8. The re-gifted gift

Please don’t re-gift. Even if you think you can get away with it, you won’t. The best gift is the gift that keeps on giving – not the gift that’s already been given.

9. I.O.U.

If you need an explanation, just go home.

10. A ring that’s not an engagement ring


Unless you plan on proposing this Valentine’s Day (Congrats if you are!), DO NOT BUY YOUR GIRLFRIEND A RING. Just imagine for a second how badly this could go wrong. If you want to avoid the most awkward night for you and the most disappointed night for your girlfriend, buy her some earrings or a necklace instead.

You’re welcome!

Comments

Jimmy Kimmel 'censors' Obama

Thanks to some mischievous editing from Jimmy Kimmel, these originally innocent TV clips will put your mind straight in the gutter.

Jon Stewart: Fox News is 'killing' him

As his days on the Daily Show wind down, Jon Stewart wants to make sure we are all aware how much he really, really hates Fox News.

Jay Carney is going to work for Amazon

Imagining an Amazon customer service call with Jay Carney on the line.

Ron Swanson, libertarian visionary

We're sad to say that "Parks and Rec" has aired its finale episode, leaving a Pawnee-shaped hole in our hearts.

Jon Stewart defends Bill O'Reilly

Bill O’Reilly, whom a Mother Jones report has accused of Brian-Williams-like war reporting exaggerations, has an unlikely defender: his long-time sparring partner, Jon Stewart.

White House

Calling for cooperation, Obama engages in confrontation

WASHINGTON (AP) — Amid appeals for bipartisanship, President Barack Obama in just three days has provoked Republicans on issues as disparate as immigration, Wall Street and the Keystone XL pipeline — a combative mix of defense and offense that underscores Washington's political realignment.

It’s on: Obama follows through and vetoes Keystone pipeline

Defying the Republican-run Congress, President Barack Obama rejected a bill Tuesday to approve construction of the Keystone XL oil pipeline, wielding his veto power for only the third time in his presidency.

Biden: The middle class is ‘being killed,’ in worse shape than any time since the ’20s

Joe Biden—everyone’s favorite creeper and truth-bomb-dropper.

MSNBC Host: Obama’s terrorism summit is a ‘dog and pony show’
You know it’s bad when President Obama has even lost the support of MSNBC. MSNBC Host Andrea Mitchell basically called the White House’s Summit on “Countering Violent Extremism” a farce during her show Wednesday. “Here he has the summit, no heads of government coming, the participation has not been at a particularly high level. We’ll have […]
Obama assures ‘almost complete confidence’ there have been no NSA abuses

The president’s interview with Re/code over the weekend touched on privacy issues, with Obama insisting with “almost complete confidence” that there have been no abuses of the government’s vast surveillance program.

Congress

Rand Paul calls on Hillary to retire

Rand Paul’s speech at CPAC Friday felt a lot like a campaign rally—and the crowd left little room to doubt that they wanted it that way, breaking out into chants of “President Paul! President Paul!” at least three times over the course of his remarks.

Cruz: Obama, Carter similarities 'uncanny'
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has his sights set on 2016, but he is not very optimistic about what will happen both at home and abroad in the mean time. Cruz laid out his predictions for the direction he believes President Obama is leading the country in during a round table event with reporters and bloggers […]
Cruz calls Lynch vote 'heartbreaking'
Loretta Lynch won approval from a key Senate committee Thursday to serve as the nation’s next attorney general, as divided Republicans clashed over her support for President Barack Obama’s immigration policies. The 12 to 8 vote in the Judiciary Committee sent Lynch’s nomination to the full Senate. Three Republicans joined all committee Democrats in voting “yes.” […]
It's Warren 2015, not '16

There seems to be a lot of talk about political "branding" lately. Allow Elizabeth Warren to take a crack at it.

Rand Paul calls Giuliani comments

Rand Paul pushed back on Rudy Giuliani’s controversial comments about Obama’s lack of patriotism, saying he prefers to question policy rather than motive.