How to lose your girlfriend in 10 Valentine’s Day gifts

If you decided to wait until the last minute to buy your girlfriend’s Valentine’s Day gift, we won’t judge. But if you buy her any of the following gifts, we will judge you… and so will your girlfriend.

1. Heart-shaped pizza

Today Papa John’s is promoting their heart-shaped-pizza. Word to the wise: just because there are hearts on it doesn’t change the fact it’s still a pizza and mediocre pizza at that.

2. A gym membership

If you want your girlfriend to walk out the door in the middle of dinner, please give her a gym membership. It doesn’t matter if she has been complaining about how she can’t afford it or loves to work out or has a hot bod already, do not fall in this trap. It’s not romantic. It’s offensive. And you’ll have to do serious jewelry damage control the next day… if you can even repair the damage.

3. Bath & Body works lotion

This store may draw you in with its magical smells and free samples, but unless you are a middle school girl, you should never be caught in this store, let alone buying your girlfriend a Valentine’s Day gift here.

4. Any hair removal device

Not tweezers. Not razors. And definitely not the weird hair removal devices you see on informericals. How your girlfriend removes her hair is or should remain a mystery.

5. A makeover

Day at the Spa? Great gift. Makeover at the mall? Your girlfriend will slap you in the face… or she’ll end up looking like this.

6. Coffee mugs

It doesn’t matter how inspirational the message or funny the joke. Framing your mug shot would be better than a mug.

7. Lint roller

Even if she has a wardrobe of solely black clothing or is wearing an LBD at dinner that night or owns the fluffiest dog you’ve ever seen, JUST DON’T DO IT!

8. The re-gifted gift

Please don’t re-gift. Even if you think you can get away with it, you won’t. The best gift is the gift that keeps on giving – not the gift that’s already been given.

9. I.O.U.

If you need an explanation, just go home.

10. A ring that’s not an engagement ring


Unless you plan on proposing this Valentine’s Day (Congrats if you are!), DO NOT BUY YOUR GIRLFRIEND A RING. Just imagine for a second how badly this could go wrong. If you want to avoid the most awkward night for you and the most disappointed night for your girlfriend, buy her some earrings or a necklace instead.

You’re welcome!

Comments

Polititainment

Brand: ISIS better than conservatives
Actor Russell Brand took to Youtube Wednesday to compare terrorist group ISIS to conservatives, eventually coming to the conclusion that conservatives in power were worse than ISIS. Brand was recording yet another video aimed at attacking Fox News when he made the statements about ISIS. He was responding to Fox host Greg Gutfeld’s comments about Brand’s […]
Biden congratulates 'Veep' on Emmy win
From one Vice President to another… Vice President Joe Biden took to Twitter Tuesday to congratulate actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus on her Emmy win. Louis-Dreyfus snagged her third consecutive Outstanding Actress in a Comedy series win Monday for her portrayal of a fictional vice president on HBO’s “Veep.” Last year, the VP picked up the phone […]
Emmys snub political TV shows
Most of the 66th  annual Primetime Emmy Awards on Monday felt like a repeat of 2013′s awards show. “Modern Family,” “Breaking Bad” and “The Big Bang Theory’s” Jim Parsons all dominated the night, leaving most of the politically-themed and Washington D.C.-set shows out in the cold. Though “House of Cards”, “Scandal”, “Homeland”, “The Good Wife”, “The […]
Let's Play Emmy Bingo!

Play Emmy Bingo (specially created for lovers of political entertainment!) along with us as the winners are awarded during NBC's live broadcast Monday night.

Rick Perry's mugshot, marketing asset

Lesson: No matter how hard you try to make Rick Perry look bad, it just ain't gonna work.

White House

White House flirt Joe Biden turns on the charm for 108-year-old veteran Lucy Coffey

Joe Biden continues to brand himself the White House flirt. In a recently released video of Biden's July 25 meeting with Lucy Coffee, the vice president kisses the 108-year-old war veteran on the cheek and hand and tells her, "I'm the guy that loves you."

White House: Checked-out Obama is a media myth
THE HILL – The White House is bristling at suggestions President Obama is disconnected, checked out or out of touch. White House allies maintain that the storyline of a checked-out president is a myth drummed up by the media during the summer doldrums. “It’s bull—t,” said one former senior administration official. “This is a guy who […]
Obama’s summer vacation by the numbers
After two weeks away from the White House, President Barack Obama’s vacation on Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts, ends late Sunday. A look, by the numbers, at how Obama spent the time while juggling his responsibilities as president, including monitoring the situations in Iraq and in Ferguson, Missouri: — 15: days, all or part, spent on the […]
Obama is halfway to becoming an EGOT winner after ‘Between Two Ferns’ appearance snags Emmy award
President of the United States might not be the most exclusive title Barack Obama holds soon. Obama is now halfway to becoming an “EGOT” winner, an elite title that only 12 other individuals including the likes of Audrey Hepburn and Helen Hayes can claim. “EGOT”  stands for the four major annual American entertainment awards: the Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony. Winning […]

Congress

IRS says Lerner's Blackberry 'destroyed'

A senior IRS lawyer has said in a sworn declaration that Lois Lerner's BlackBerry was intentionally destroyed after Congress had begun to investigate her involvement in IRS targeting of conservative groups.

Youth impact reason enough to pass jobs bills
The U.S. House Committee on Ways and Means is in the midst of releasing 40 reasons over the course of 40 days that the Senate should take up the 40 jobs bills the House has already passed. While most of their reasons have focused on general unemployment and economic growth statistics, they turned their attention […]
UNEARTHED: Archival footage of Harry Reid smiling

From appearances, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid derives little pleasure from his job, perhaps a deputy to the paragon of joylessness. But Red Alert Politics has dug into the archives to demonstrate that it wasn't always like this.

Rubio: Obama action would kill immigration reform
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) is urging President Barack Obama to forego taking executive action on immigration, warning that would kill any chance for comprehensive immigration reform. “If indeed you move forward on such a decision, I believe it will close the door to any chance of making progress on immigration reform for the foreseeable future,” […]
House GOP hires legal representation to sue Obama
THE HILL – House Republicans have hired D.C. law firm BakerHostetler to provide legal representation to sue President Obama. House Administration Committee Chairwoman Candice Miller (R-Mich.) signed a contract on Monday for BakerHostetler to represent the House in the civil action lawsuit in a U.S. district court against the president. “The president must be held accountable, and the […]